You guys. You guys…my blond, soft skinned, tender hearted, wild child snuggled in bed with me tonight. He rested his head on my shoulder and we both let out sighs that said more about our day than words ever could. Things like tantrums, playing legos with mom, whining, demanding, baking cookies together, inability to cope, mommy is funny when she tries to get my armpits, exhaustion, and love. I hope there was a lot of love in those sighs-swirling in the air above my bed before slipping away-out the half opened window. The day is now done. We’ve done what we could and that is that. It is what is. I can’t help but wonder if I did enough. Did I love enough? Did I tickle him enough? Did he learn enough? Was I all the mother he needed in every moment throughout the day?
I think about these things, with a frown on my face. I look down and am almost moved to tears by the huge blue eyes and the innocent face staring up at me. I wanted to shroud him in my love and be able to promise him that no evil nor pain will ever penetrate his world again. Knowing I couldn’t possible follow through with anything as grand as that, I just smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. “Call me Papacito, Mommy. Call me that and then say I love you the best. Say it, ok? Mom, you say it now, ok? Please mom?”
“Goodnight Papacito, I love you the BEST!” I kissed his cheek this time, causing him to sink deeper into my shoulder. Rowan sighed once more, but this time I could read every single thing that he was releasing with that breath. “I am loved.” “I am safe.” ”I am wanted.” “Mommy may get frustrated with me, but she never for one second, stops loving me.” I am loved.” “I am loved.” “I am loved.” “I am loved,” And then he is asleep.
We had a hard day. He is stubborn and strong-willed and brilliant-a deadly combination. He knows how to get his way, but when I assert my authority, he tries to find a loop-hole in my reasoning as to WHY he doesn’t have to do what I’m asking. I will NOT raise a child that does not respect authority. I will NOT raise a child that does not obey. I WILL raise a child that knows he has a home of unconditional love to come home to. Doesn’t matter how many times he pushes my buttons, disobeys, lies, or says something smart-mouthy(Gee, wonder where he gets that from? Me? Eeeeep….), I will ALWAYS love him. Today wasn’t great, but my almost four year old is asleep overflowing with love from his little family.
I may not have had the kind of day I would brag about, I guess in the end, it’s the end that matters. I may have gotten frustrated, he may have gotten mad, that’s okay. We love each other, if for the rest of his childhood the only thing he thinks about while falling asleep is how loved he is than I AM A GOOD MOM. When I was called to be a Mama, I wasn’t being called to perfection. That’s something I need to hold on to each and every day.